Poached Eggs and Hardboiled Eggs: Eggs Two Ways, No Yolking

It’s been five days, and the Husband-Elect and I have successfully polished off our haul from last week’s trip to the Farmer’s Market. (Friends helped.) While we appreciated the ground beef, liked the bacon very much, and freakin’ loved the bread, the highlight of our booty (heh) was undoubtedly the carton of eggs. The EGGS. Who knew?

Lemme explain.

Okay, you know how supermarket eggs are? Runny, pale yellow yolks with flimsy whites and shells that break if you look at them the wrong way? Farmer’s market eggs are not like that at all. They have bright orange yolks with a silky, almost syrupy texture. They have substantive whites you can actually bite into. They have thick, brownish shells that seem almost twice as hard as store-bought eggs.

But best of all, they’re not just eggs. They’re EGGS. They taste like the eggs you remember as a kid. Or like regular eggs, turned up to 11. Or like eggs on ‘roids. (Alex Rodregguez?) If supermarket eggs are regular humans, farmer’s market eggs are the X-Men – regular humans, but way better. Like with claws and telekinesis and stuff.

I prepared our EGGS two ways this past weekend: poached and hard-boiled. Neither method uses oil, butter or cream, which cuts down on the fat. And the techniques – one from The Kitchn, the other from Chocolate & Zucchini – are basically foolproof. I’m an idiot when it comes to hardboiling, and Clotilde’s way hasn’t failed me yet. I owe her something in return. Perhaps a really good egg?

I do need to mention: today I learned there may be an issue with pasteurization and farm-fresh eggs. If you’re nervous, you might want to avoid the poaching and skip ahead to hardboiling. Either way, you’ll feel eggscellent in the end. Eggstra special. Eggceptional, even. (Sorry.)

Whirlpool-Style Poached Eggs
Makes 1 serving
Adapted from The Kitchn.

1 egg
1/2 tablespoon salt
1/2 tablespoon white vinegar
Salt and pepper to taste

1) Add 1 quart of water, salt, and vinegar to a medium pot. Bring it to a boil. Drop heat to medium-low and simmer, making sure the bubbles remain pretty low-key. Using a slotted spoon, create a gentle whirlpool in the pot.

2) Get out a teacup and crack your egg into that cup. Very gently, lower the teacup into the whirlpool and set the egg free. It should migrate to the middle of the pot. 

3) Cook the egg 3 1/2 to 4 minutes. (Try not to go over.) Gently remove egg with your slotted spoon, and let some of the water drip back into the pan. Stick egg on plate. Salt and pepper to taste. Eat.

NOTE: If you’re having multiple eggs, I might do this one at a time. Otherwise … collisions. Yolk everywhere. Dogs and cats, living together. Mass hysteria.


Hardboiled Eggs
Makes 1 serving
Adapted from Chocolate & Zucchini.

1 large egg
Salt and pepper to taste

1) Get out a medium pot. Gently place the whole egg in the pot. and "cover with cold water by a 1/2-inch or so." Put it on the stove and turn the heat to medium-high. Once it starts boiling, kill the heat and cover the pot. Do not touch it for 7 minutes. (No more, no less.)

2) While egg is sitting, fill a medium bowl with cold water and a few ice cubes. After 7 minutes, put the egg in the ice bath. Let it sit 3 minutes.

3) This is all from Heidi, and it's genius: "Roll egg lightly on cutting board, hard enough so shell will crack, but not so hard you mangle it." (Why did I never think of this?) Peel your egg. Add some salt and pepper. Serve. To yourself, presumably.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price Per Serving for Both Dishes
74 calories, 5 g fat, $0.50

Scrumptious Scramble: Weekend, Ho!

(Hey folks – today at Serious Eats, my column’s on Chicken Paprikash from Cooking Light. S’good stuff and a solid weekday dinner. Witness, if you get the chance.)

In our house (okay, apartment), weekend mornings are sacred. Since our roommates are usually out, they’re the few times The Boyfriend and I can sit uninterrupted (except for the $%&^# dog) and talk about whatever for an hour. The conversation can and does extend to politics, food, our parents, imaginary vacation plans, or whatever. Saturday, we talked about Dungeons & Dragons and farting. Yesterday, it was string theory and whether or not the universe actually has an edge.

Since the time is so valuable, we usually prep a big spread to go along with it – pancakes, bacon, eggs, fruit, really good coffee from here – the works. It’s cheaper and more personal than going out to brunch, and you don’t run into nearly as many hipsters. (P.S. If you live in Brooklyn, but aren’t from here, and don’t think you’re a hipster … you’re definitely a hipster. Nice face, hipster.)

We tend to fall back on omelets, French toast, and whatever else doesn’t need milk (because I forgot it again), but lately, I’ve been attempting to change things up a bit. Potato and Chorizo Frittata is a recent example, as is Sweet Crespelles. This weekend, it was Ellie Krieger’s Scrumptious Scramble, the idea of which I bogarted from Serious Eats.

I like Ellie muchly, because A) her food philosophy closely mirrors my own, and B) I covet her sweater collection. She’s all about real food in moderate doses. I’ve never seen her resort to diet products, and she speaks like a normal human being instead of a McKenzie brother filled with helium.

Oh, and her food’s good, too. This particular scrambled egg dish is amped up with tomato, red onion, and dill. Seriously, dill. The stuff you use to make pickles. As it turns out, dill is delicious with eggs, too, and it’s an unexpected respite from regular ol’ breakfast flavors.

So, next time you have a weekend morning, try this dish. It’s perfect for when you just want to sit and talk about the canon or Cormac McCarthy and/or whether flowers have butts.

Scrumptious Scramble
Serves 4
Adapted from Ellie Krieger

1 teaspoon olive oil
1/2 cup diced red onion
1 medium ripe tomato, cored, seeded, and diced (about 1 cup)
3 large eggs
5 large egg whites
1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh dill
Salt and freshly ground pepper to taste

1) Heat olive oi over medium heat in a medium pan, preferably nonstick. Add onion. Cook about 2 minutes, stirring maybe twice. Add tomato. Cook 1 minute. Remove mixture to a nearby bowl. Turn heat down to medium-low.

2) Combine eggs and egg whites in a medium bowl. Whisk together.

3) Pour eggs into pan. Scramble a few minutes, until eggs are just about done. Drain collected water from tomato bowl. Pour tomatoes and onions into pan. Stir gently to combine. Add dill. Salt and pepper to taste. Stir once or twice. Serve. 

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price Per Serving
101 calories, 4.8 g fat, $0.73

Calculations
1 teaspoon olive oil: 39 calories, 4.5 g fat, $0.11
1/2 cup diced red onion: 34 calories, 0.1 g fat, $0.28
1 medium ripe tomato, cored, seeded, and diced (about 1 cup): 22 calories, 0.2 g fat, $0.75
3 large eggs: 221 calories, 13.9 g fat, $0.55
5 large egg whites: 86 calories, 0.3 g fat, $0.91
1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh dill: negligible calories and fat, $0.30
Salt and freshly ground pepper to taste: negligible calories and fat, $0.02
TOTAL: 402 calories, 19 g fat, $2.92
PER SERVING (TOTAL/4): 101 calories, 4.8 g fat, $0.73

Veggie Might: Tofu Veggie Scramble - Heaven Can Wait…but Breakfast Can’t

Penned by the effervescent Leigh, Veggie Might is a weekly Thursday column about the wide world of Vegetarianism.

Like many body-conscious teenagers/young adults, I went through a breakfast avoidance phase. I found Diet Coke (followed briefly by Diet Coke and cigarettes) to be sufficient sustenance to get me through until midday.

But the whole time, I was denying my better nature, not to mention my health. Deep down laid the truth: I want, need, and full-on love breakfast. Three out of three is pretty dang good, right Meatloaf?

Once I embraced breakfast I had more energy, was less grouchy, and to my surprise, I did not gain a jillion pounds. I’m not sure what I thought people ate for their morning meals. But unless you’re breaking fast at Waffle House every day, it’s easily a low-cal affair.

Now I have my little morning ritual, which on workdays involves a bowl of high-fiber cereal with soymilk, a cup of tea, and Pat Kiernan reading me the New York dailies through my television. (That’s right, non New Yorkers, a TV anchorman reads the newspaper headlines on air. It’s a brilliant bit of television. And Pat Kiernan is the perfect Canadian for the job.)

Weekends are another story. Pat is (presumably) home with his family, and I have time to cook. After feeding the dog and brewing a pot of tea, I take a looksee in the fridge. (I like to make myself something savory. Sweets are not my thing.)

This weekend the contents of my fridge told me to whip up a tofu scramble, inspired by the vegan classic found at the Post Punk Kitchen, with grits on the side. You can add whatever veggies you have on hand. I had broccoli and mushrooms; plus I threw in some celery.

The spice mixture in this recipe is largely about color. Turmeric makes the tofu yellow like scrambled eggs, but also a tad bitter. I cut the amount in half. The other spices, cumin, thyme, paprika, are pretty sassy, so I left well enough alone.

The zippy flavor comes from the nutritional yeast, those flakes of vitamin B-rich, umami wonder that vegheads can’t get enough of. I was a little late to the “nooch” party, but I’m starting to catch on. Nooch and veggies make this bowl of tofu a fiesta.

The tofu scramble delighted my weekend, and there was enough left over to start the week. It was so tasty, in fact, that I barely noticed when Pat lingered over Gisele on Monday’s New York Post cover.

Breakfast, for crying out loud, you know I love you.

Tofu Veggie Scramble
Adapted from Post-Punk Kitchen
Serves 4

14 oz extra firm tofu, drained and pressed
1 tablespoon canola oil
1/2 large chopped yellow onion (about a cup)
2 ribs celery, thinly sliced
2 cups white button mushrooms, thinly sliced
2 cups broccoli, chopped
2-3 cloves garlic, minced
1/4 cup nutritional yeast
juice of 1/2 a lime
2 teaspoons cumin
1 teaspoon thyme, crushed with your fingers
2 teaspoon paprika
1/4 teaspoon turmeric
1 teaspoon salt

1) In a large skillet, sauté onion over medium heat in oil until soft.

2) Add mushrooms and sauté for another five minutes or so.

3) Then add the garlic and celery. Sauté for another 2 minutes

4) Toss in the spices and stir for a few seconds.

5) Add 1/4 cup water to deglaze the pan. Scrap all the good stuff off the bottom.

6) Break tofu into large chunks and stir in. It will continue to crumble as you stir.

7) Mix in broccoli.

8) Cook for about 15 minutes stirring occasionally. Add a couple tablespoons of water here and there if it starts to stick. Lower the heat if you find it’s sticking too much.

9) Add lime juice and nutritional yeast. Give it a good stir.

10) Serve with grits and toast. Savor on a lazy Sunday.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price per Serving
139.21 calories, 6.5g fat, $1.17

Calculations
14 oz extra firm tofu: 238 calories, 12g fat, $1.50
1 tablespoon canola oil: 120 calories, 14g fat, $0.08
1/2 large chopped yellow onion: 40 calories, .2g fat, $.50
2-3 cloves garlic: 12.6 calories, 0g fat, $.04
2 ribs celery: 12 calories, 0g fat, $.15
2 cups white button mushrooms: 30 calories, 0g fat, $1.00
2 cups broccoli: 40 calories, 0g fat, $.75
1/4 cup nutritional yeast: 60 calories, 0g fat, $.54
juice of 1/2 a lime: 4.25 calories, 0g fat, $0.5
2 teaspoons cumin: negligible calories and fat, $.02
1 teaspoon thyme: negligible calories and fat, $.02
2 teaspoon paprika: negligible calories and fat, $.02
1/4 teaspoon turmeric: negligible calories and fat, $.02
1 teaspoon salt: negligible calories and fat, $.02
TOTAL: 556.85 calories, 26g fat, $4.66
PER SERVING (TOTAL/4): 139.21 calories, 6.5g fat, $1.17

Veggie Might: Who Wants a Vegan Bran Muffin?!

Penned by the effervescent Leigh, Veggie Might is a weekly Thursday column about the wide world of Vegetarianism.

I do! Seriously. I do.

My mom was that mom: first on the block to substitute carob for chocolate, rarely bought sweet cereal or pop, and always, always packet carrot sticks and an apple in my Tupperware lunch box instead of cookies or cupcakes. (I only got Ho-Hos on field trip days.)

We were not wholly deprived of junk food or butter- and cheese-laden comfort food, but a frugal, borderline health nut, Mom liked to make her mom’s meat-and-potatoes Midwestern recipes (and my Dad’s Southern fried family classics) healthier whenever possible and cheap pretty much always.

The New York Times’ ran a terrific article in the Health section last week called, “Who’s Cooking? (For Health, It Matters).” It sites a public health study that claimed whoever does the cooking is the “nutritional gatekeeper” of the home and determines the health and eating choices of the family “not just home meals but children’s lunches, snacks eaten outside the home, and even what family members order at restaurants.”

A further study at Cornell University found that five “cooking personalities” emerged when the researchers asked “family cooks about their personalities, cooking methods, and favorite ingredients.”

“Giving” cooks love to cook, especially comfort food and baked goods; “methodical” cooks follow cookbooks to the letter; “competitive” cooks live to impress; “healthy” cooks focus more on nutrition than flavor; and “innovative” cooks thrive on experimentation which, according to the study, “lead[s] to more healthful cooking.”

I’m pretty sure that Mom rides the line between Giving and Healthy. For all of her attempts to pump my brother and sister and me full of celery and homemade granola, she alternately took pity on us with fried chicken and super-duper hamburger pie. Dad swooped in on the weekends for Pancake Saturday and Grilled Cheese Sunday.

Which explains my own split personality. I scored Innovative with Healthy tendencies. (You too can take the corresponding cooking personality quiz!)

Seven times out of ten, I will make the healthy choice when choosing what to eat—at home or out—but I rarely will I sacrifice taste for nutrition. Luckily, I live in NYC, mostly cook for myself, and am rarely faced with that choice. (Those other three times, I order nachos from the Chinese taco joint down the street.)

I share Mom’s zeal for cooking healthy meals and desserts, but I take great pains to make the “good for you” parts barely detectable. I like to experiment with unusual ingredients and create my own recipes. And there is no end to my pleasure when a hard-core meat eater raves about one of my vegetarian dishes, or, even better, people are fooled by my vegan baked goods. I love showing that animal products are not necessary for food to taste fantastic.

And speaking of fantastic, it took some trial and error, but, using Joy of Vegan Baking as my guide, I made some pretty amazing bran muffins this weekend. They’re a hold over from my deep-fried granola childhood, and I love them still. When not dry as cardboard, raisin-free, or banana-free, I heart bran muffins.

My first attempt was cardboardesque. Instead of using a powdered egg replacer, I tried the unfamiliar-to-me flaxseed egg replacement method detailed by the cookbook. The idea is to add water to ground flax seeds in the food processor to create viscose goo similar to egg whites.

Well. What an omega-3-rich mess. First of all, I only had whole flax seeds. No problem, I thought, I’ll just take them for a twirl in the coffee grinder. Not so fast there, Speedy. They immediately clumped, slowing my grinder to a wheeze.

In the mini-food processor, the clump remained mostly whole seeds, but I added the requisite water anyway. The goo began to ooze after a few minutes, but the seeds never became “ground.” Oh well, I thought, I’m sure it’s fine.

Not fine. The batter was coarse and clumpy, resulting in coarse, clumpy-looking muffins. Plus, the 3/4-cup of sugar was just not quite enough to take the bran muffins from health food to good food.

The original recipe also called for (sigh) raisins, which I replaced with glorious sliced almonds. I have nothing bad to say about the almonds. They were the good part.

Rinse. Repeat with powdered egg replacer and 1 cup of sugar. Viva la difference!

Moist, chewy, just the right amount of sweet, and not too dense, Batch Two was straight from Crunchy Granola Heaven. If the other corduroy bell-bottomed kids could taste these, they’d want to trade for their Zingers and Sno-balls.

Sorry, no thanks, I’d say. Tell your mom to make you your own bran muffins.

Tasty Almond Bran Muffins
Adapted from The Joy of Vegan Baking
Recipe yields 24 muffins
Serving size: 2 muffins

2 1/2 c wheat bran
1 1/2 c whole wheat flour
1 c brown sugar
2 1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
6 tsp powdered egg replacer (like Ener-G; equivalent to 4 eggs)
1/2 c water
1 cup soymilk
1/3 cup canola oil
1/2 cup sliced almonds

1) Preheat oven to 400°F.

2) In a large mixing bowl, combine wheat bran, wheat flour, brown sugar, baking soda, and salt.

3) In a large Pyrex measuring cup, combine soymilk and canola oil. Whisk together.

4) Add egg replacer to a food processor or blender. Puree until it's frothy. Pour into a small bowl.

5) Carefully pour soymilk mixture into egg foam. Stirring super-gently until it's all combined. Add almonds.

6) Pour wet ingredients into dry ingredients. Stir until dry ingredients are just moist, and everything is barely combined. Don't overdo it, or risk a weird muffin consistency.

7) Distribute batter evenly into a greased muffin tin or muffin cups within a muffin tin. "If you have any empty cups in your pan, fill with water to ensure even baking." Bake until finished in the middle. (Use a toothpick to check.)

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price per Serving
234 calories, 9.4g fat $0.30

Calculations
2 1/2 c wheat bran: 300 calories, 5g fat, $.78
1 1/2 c whole wheat flour: 600 calories, 6g fat, $.54
1 c brown sugar: 837 calories, 0g fat, $.57
2 1/2 tsp baking soda: negligible calories and fat, $.06
1 tsp salt: negligible calories and fat, $.02
6 tsp Ener-G egg replacer: 60 calories, 0g fat, $.15
1 cup soymilk: 90 calories, 4.5g fat, $.40
1/3 c canola oil: 660 calories, 74.6 g fat, $.42
1/2 cup sliced almonds: 264.5, 22.5g fat, $.86
Totals: 2811.5 calories, 112.6g fat, $3.70
Per serving: 234 calories, 9.4g fat $.30 (2 muffins)

Chorizo and Potato Frittata: 'Til We Meat Again

(You guys! My column over at Serious Eats today is on Daniel Boulud’s recipe for Red Cabbage with Honey and Apples. I loathe red cabbage with the white-hot intensity of a thousand angry suns, and still thought this was DELICIOUS. We have enough to feed the entire block until 2022. If you get the chance, check it out.)

One of the trickiest things about healthy cooking is figuring out how to use meat. Lean cuts like chicken breast, pork tenderloin, and flank steak aren’t too terrible of an issue. In general, they can be consumed in greater quantities without causing crazy damage to your diet. On the other hand, while undeniably delicious, overdosing on fattier meats like pork belly and sausage will end your newest bout with Weight Watchers faster than you can say, “I’d like another serving of Bacon Explosion, please.”

That’s why it’s always a pleasant surprise to discover a healthy recipe that features fatty meat in a way you can actually taste it. Like say, my slightly altered version of Jamie Oliver’s Chorizo and Potato Frittata (found via Serious Eats). Chorizo is a Spanish sausage with a distinct, spicy flavor, and it permeates the entire dish without overwhelming it. Even better, since the sausage is cut up into small pieces, you’re guaranteed to get a chunk with almost every bite. Really, it’s like having your cake-izo and eating it, too.

It should be noted, though, that the sausage isn’t the frittata’s only highlight. While the potatoes are cooking, Oliver asks you to prepare an easy shallot/parsley/lemon topping that’s added to the dish at the very end. Having tried it, I have to say - it’s absolutely indispensible, and will probably make appearances on various meals in the future. Yum squared, dude.

As always, there are a few notes, should you attempt the frittata yourself:

1) The potatoes make this thing dang hearty. Thusly, it’s suitable for breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner, dinner, or late night after you’ve had a few brews. Go crazy.

2) To save fat and calories, I substituted 6 egg whites for 4 whole eggs, cut the chorizo by 1-1/2 ounces, and subtracted a potato. I think I lost about 9 grams of fat per serving that way, and it still worked out VERY nicely.

3) Use an oven-safe pan, and be careful with the handle once it’s finished. That thing is HOT, and twice in the last week, I’ve barehanded a fresh-from-the-oven vessel. NOT GOOD.

4) My sister liked this. She only likes: gum, Diet Coke, spaghetti. I consider it a coup.

5) I’m not ashamed to admit: I ate my piece with my hands, as if it was pizza. I highly suggest trying this, but waiting until it cools off a little first. Good times.

Readers – how about you? Any healthy recipes where bacon/sausage/filet mignon is prominently featured? Do tell.

Chorizo and Potato Frittata
Serves 4
Adapted from Jamie Oliver

3 small red potatoes, scrubbed and cut into small chunks
kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 large eggs
6 large egg whites
2-1/2 ounces Spanish chorizo sausage, chopped into 1/3-inch pieces
2 sprigs of fresh rosemary, leaves picked
2 small shallots, peeled and very finely sliced
Juice of 1 lemon
1 teaspoon extra virgin olive oil, divided
A bunch of fresh flat-leaf parsley, leaves picked, very roughly chopped

1) Boil potatoes in salted water until tender enough to pierce through with a knife. Drain. Pour back into pot. Let dry out a bunch.

2) Preheat oven to 375°F.

3) In a large ovensafe skillet, heat potato and chorizo over medium-high. Saute 5 to 8 minutes, stirring occasionally. Chorizo should have rendered its fat by the end.

4) While the chorizo and potatoes are cooking, add eggs, salt, and pepper to a bowl. Whisk 'em all together.

5) After that, slice up the shallots. In a small bowl (separate from the eggs), combine shallots, lemon juice, ½ teaspoon of olive oil, and a little salt and pepper. "Pinch shallots with your fingers to dress." Marinate a few minutes.

6) Okay. By now, the chorizo and potato should be done. Put them on a plate. Add the remaining ½ teaspoon of olive oil to the pan. Add rosemary and jack heat up to high. Cook until a little crispy. Add eggs. Quickly add chorizo and potato pushing them around so they're evenly spread out. Put pan in oven. Cook until the eggs are set, a little puffy, and are ever-so-lightly browned on top. Remove from oven and immediately remove frittata from pan.

7) Add parsley to shallot mixture. Sprinkle over frittata. Serve right away.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price Per Serving
215 calories, 10.7 g fat, $0.85

Calculations
3 small red potatoes: 190 calories, 0.4 g fat, $0.47
kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper: negligible calories and fat, $0.02
2 large eggs: 147 calories, 9.9 g fat, $0.25
6 large egg whites: 103 calories, 0.4 g fat, $0.75
2-1/2 ounces Spanish chorizo sausage: 323 calories, 27.2 g fat, $1.07
2 sprigs of fresh rosemary, leaves picked: 2 calories, 0.1 g fat, $0.18
2 small shallots: 41 calories, 0.1 g fat, $0.53
Juice of 1 lemon: 13 calories, 0 g fat, FREE (I paid for the zest in last Friday’s recipe)
1 teaspoon extra virgin olive oil: 39 calories, 4.5 g fat, $0.04
A bunch of fresh flat-leaf parsley: 2 calories, 0 g fat, $0.10
TOTAL: 860 calories, 42.6 g fat, $3.41
PER SERVING (TOTAL/4): 215 calories, 10.7 g fat, $0.85

Sweet Crespelles and a Stream of Consciousness

Saturday morning. Warmer than yesterday. Boyfriend’s in Queens shooting a sketch. Roommates at brunch. Roommates’ dog … also at brunch? House to myself. Sweet. Turn 101.9 up loud. Wear eyeglasses instead of contacts. Forgo makeup (for now). Contemplate pantslessness. Decide on pants, should roommates come home early.

Make coffee. Ponder breakfast. No cereal. Out of syrup. Need a break from omelets. Have about 2 cups of flour left in the pantry. What to do … what to do …

Ahhhhhh. Crespelles. Italian crepes. Found recipe on Serious Eats earlier in the week. Came from Gina DePalma, the pastry chef at Babbo. That means it’s gotta be good, right? 14,000 versions of dish on the post. Will use the club soda/vanilla extract
combination. Good times.

Combine ingredients. Heat pan. Pour batter in. Wow, I’m terrible at this swirling thing. (Example at right). Need to thin batter with a little club soda and try again. Okay, that’s better. Make second crespelle. And third. And fourth. And … etcetera, etcetera, all the way up to nine. Supposed to make 11 to 13, but chalk it up to being a first-timer.

Okay, now what? What do I fill these things with? Fruit, probably. Maybe strawberry topping? Or blueberry? Or … BANANA. That’s it. And easy. Drop tablespoon of butter in a pan. Melt tablespoon of brown sugar in it. Add one chopped banana. Saute 2 minutes. Add dash of cinnamon, splash of rum. We’re good to go.

Sit down. Pour coffee. Pick up O Magazine (because I’m 50). Read Michelle Obama interview in entirety. Fall in love with her a little more. Eat crespelle. Tastes not unlike super-subtle fortune cookies filled with bananas. I can get with this. Delicious.

Store remaining crespelle in plastic bag between sheets of parchment paper. Will probably stay for a day or two. Briefly wonder where dog is. Forget and enjoy several successive minutes of silence/non-barking.

Get started on post. Do calculations. 84 calories, 3.4 grams of fat per crespelle. Nice. And … what’s this? SEVEN CENTS PER SERVING? Sweet. Will make this again.

Finish post. Listen to Beyonce’s “Halo.” Make decision that I prefer her lower register. Remember crespelle fondly. Fart.

Basic Sweet Crespelle
Makes about 11 crespelles
Adapted from Gina DePalma's recipe on Serious Eats.

1/2 cup 2% milk
1/2 cup club soda
1 large egg
2 1/2 tablespoons butter, melted
2 tablespoons sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup all-purpose flour

1) Get out a blender. Add everything but the flour. Blend briefly to mix the ingredients. Add flour. Blend again, until batter is smooth and lumpless. Scrape the sides if necessary. Set aside, and scoop out any lumps that rise to the surface.

2) Grease a medium pan. Preheat over medium-high. Once it's pretty hot, add just enough batter to cover the pan's bottom, and swirl it around. (If it's too thick, add a little OJ.) Cook a few minutes, until edges are set and start to lightly brown. Using a spatula, carefully flip the crespella. Cook only 30 more seconds, until it's totally cooked. Do the same with the rest of the batter. (You will get better at it as you go along; it's okay to dump the mistakes.)

3) Stack finished crespelle between sheets of parchment paper, "keeping them warm in a low oven."  Serve with fruit and powdered sugar.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price Per Serving
86 calories, 3.4 g fat, $0.07

Calculations
1/2 cup 2% milk: 61 calories, 2.5 g fat, $0.13
1/2 cup club soda: negligible calories and fat, $0.09
1 large egg: 74 calories, 5 g fat, $0.13
2 1/2 tablespoons butter: 255 calories, 28.8 g fat, $0.15
2 tablespoons sugar: 93 calories, 0 g fat, $0.04
1/4 teaspoon salt: negligible calories and fat, $0.01
1 teaspoons vanilla extract: 12 calories, 0 g fat, $0.12
1 cup all-purpose flour: 455 calories, 1.3 g fat, $0.10
TOTAL: 950 calories, 37.6 g fat, $0.77
PER SERVING (TOTAL/11): 86 calories, 3.4 g fat, $0.07

Brunch Clafouti: The Pop Quiz

For the following quiz, use a No. 2 pencil and a soft eraser. Do not use a pen or mechanical pencil. An essay written in pen will not scan and receives a score of zero. Cell phone use is prohibited.

MULTIPLE CHOICE

According to recipe source Serious Eats (who got the idea from Nicole Rees’ Baking Unplugged), clafouti is:

A) a fruit-studded baked custard typically eaten as a dessert
B) a new Kanye West song, featuring Ne-Yo and Wayne Newton
C) a lovely, albeit humid region of Morocco
D) a pancreatic ailment

The most hilarious alternate name for Brunch Clafouti is:

A) Brunch Dougflutie
B) Brunch Nicebooty
C) Flunch Majooti
D) Egg and Fruit Thing

The following can be used in Brunch Clafouti, according to your personal taste:

A) Strawberries, raspberries, or blueberries
B) Lamb shanks, pig tails, or cow fangs
C) Motor oil, coffee grounds, or road tar
D) Lions, tigers, or bears (oh my)


TRUE OR FALSE

You should use an oven-safe pan to make Brunch Clafouti.

A) TRUE. That’s highly logical.
B) FALSE. I love melting stuff.

Thanks to the addition of liquor (Amaretto, Grand Marnier, etc.), you will get totally wasted off Brunch Clafouti, causing you to wander the mean streets of Brooklyn sans pants, until a homeless man is forced to take you under his wing, except “under his wing” means “into a secret band of elite assassins posing as homeless people to get a better scope of the area,” where you’ll spend several years becoming a top-notch internationally-renowned killer, until the clafouti buzz eventually wears off and you slink back home in a cat crate in the luggage compartment of an airplane to Cleveland.

A) TRUE. Sounds like fun.
B) FALSE. The alcohol cooks off, leaving nothing but flava behind.

Apropos of nothing, when you’re done reading this post, you should head over to Serious Eats, where my Monday column features a tasty, frugal CHG reader suggestion: Curried Cauliflower Soup with Honey.

A) TRUE. Ooo! Soup!
B) FALSE. Ew! Soup!
C) UNDECIDED. Woo? Soup?


FILL IN THE BLANK

Making Brunch Clafouti is kind of like making _______.

A) a frittata
B) a replica of Excalibur out of discarded drinking straws and adobe
C) whoopee
D) I have to go to the bathroom.

Substituting three egg whites for two whole eggs (called for in the original recipe) cuts about ten grams of _____.

A) fat
B) crack-cocaine
C) DELIGHT
D) No, seriously. I have to go. I had two cups of coffee this morning.

George Clooney is _____.

A) A lover of Brunch Clafoutis the world over
B) Handsome, but getting a little long in the tooth.
C) Handsome and ageless. Choice B obviously doesn’t know what it’s talking about.
D) Time to hit the ladies room.

Thank you for completing this test. The answer to every question was D.


Brunch Clafouti
Adapted from Serious Eats
Makes 4 servings

1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 cup sugar, divided (if using cranberries, double the sugar)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 large egg
3 large egg whites
1 cup (scant) 2% milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/8 teaspoon almond extract (optional)
1 tablespoon unsalted butter
1-1/4 to 1-1/2 cups fresh fruit, such as pitted cherries or raspberries (I used blueberries – Kris)
3 tablespoons brandy, amaretto, Grand Marnier, or Cointreau—whatever you have on hand
Powdered sugar, for dusting (optional)

1) Preheat oven to 425°F.

2) In a medium mixing bowl, combine flour, 2 tablespoons sugar, and salt. Whisk together. Once mixed, slowly whisk eggs in. Everything should be smooth when you're finished. Add milk and extracts. Whisk again until smooth. 

3) Heat a medium oven-safe skillet over medium heat. After about 2 minutes, add butter. Melt, "swirling to coat evenly." Add remaining sugar. Add fruit. Jack heat up to medium high. Cook until fruit makes a syrup, around 3 minutes, shaking frequently. (Note: SE says the syrup process will be longer for cranberries.)

4) Kill heat and remove pan from burner. Pour in brandy. Shake the pan to coat the fruit with the brandy. Add egg mixture. Bake 10 to 12 minutes "in the upper third of the oven." The clafouti should be puffy and totally cooked when you pull it. (Check the center with a toothpick or knife to see.) Remove from oven, dust with sugar, and serve right away.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price Per Serving
247 calories, 5.6 g fat, $0.95

Calculations
1/2 cup all-purpose flour: 228 calories, 0.6 g fat, $0.05
1/4 cup sugar, divided: 194 calories, 0 g fat, $0.08
1/4 teaspoon salt: negligible calories and fat, $0.01
1 large egg: 74 calories, 5 g fat, $0.13
3 large egg whites: 51 calories, 0.2 g fat, $0.38
1 cup (scant) 2% milk: 123 calories, 4.9 g fat, $0.24
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract: 1 calorie, 0 g fat, $0.06
1/8 teaspoon almond extract (optional): negligible calories and fat, $0.10
1 tablespoon unsalted butter: 101 calories, 11.3 g fat, $0.06
1-1/4 to 1-1/2 cups fresh fruit (blueberries, here): 103 calories, 0.5 g fat, $1.99
3 tablespoons brandy, amaretto, Grand Marnier, or Cointreau: 114 calories, 0 g fat, $0.71
TOTAL: 989 calories, 22.5 g fat, $3.81
PER SERVING (TOTAL/3): 247 calories, 5.6 g fat, $0.95

Egg McMuffins for Homeskillets

Like 10% of all Americans, I used to work at McDonalds. Like 33% of all McDonalds workers, it was the morning shift.

Everyday in the summer of 1997, I hauled my cookies in at 5am to start the percolator, fire up the grill, and lug 50 pounds of Happy Meal toys out of the sub-basement. My early morning co-workers were a sweet 72-year-old, a slightly retarded janitor, and a middle-aged woman that had no business dealing with the public. On good days, I got to take orders from the drive-through, and didn’t have to face anyone for a few hours. On bad days, entire buses of senior citizens would argue with me over the price of a 60-cent cup of coffee.

During that time, I learned the menu backwards and forwards, including basic nutritional information for most of the meals. While the Deluxe breakfast would melt your aorta, I was always pleasantly surprised at the Egg McMuffin. An egg, a muffin, a slice of Canadian bacon, and a dollop of cheese would come in around 300 calories, which still stands as one of the leanest fast food breakfasts around. Plus, they were (and are) delicious. I know. I ate one every morning for three months.

After last week’s Strata, I had a bunch of leftover Canadian bacon, and decided to give homemade Egg McMuffins a shot. Happily, it wasn’t rocket science, and ten minutes of cooking time scored me two eminently edible imitations of the real thing. Even better, no one yelled at me afterward.

So! For your McMuffining pleasure, here are step-by-step instructions for homemade Mickey D’s. Of course, there are a few things to know first:

1) If you don’t have an egg ring handy (and who does?), try a THOROUGHLY WASHED tuna can with the lids pried off. (NOTE: Don’t use a Bumblebee can. The bottom lid sticks outward, making it nearly impossible to remove. See the pics below? It took ten minutes of straight-up wrestling to create that hole. In the end, it was big enough to pour the egg through, but I almost lost a thumb in the process.)

2) For a more McDonalds-like experience, go with American Cheese. Then, have a 62-year-old retiree berate you because his coffee was too hot.

3) The muffins aren’t browned in a toaster for two reasons: A) they’re harder to hold, and B) I like ‘em better this way.

4) At $0.93 a serving, these should be cheaper than your local Mickey D’s. If not, look at it this way: you don’t have to deal with the tall girl behind the counter. You know – the one with the 1000-yard stare, whose only thought is, “Man, I can’t wait to get back to school. This nametag is making my boobs itch.”

Happy cooking!

Egg McMuffins
Makes 2 McMuffins

Cooking spray
2 English muffins, split in half
2 slices Canadian bacon
2 large eggs
1 ounce reduced-fat sharp cheddar cheese, grated (I prefer Cracker Barrel)
Salt and pepper to taste

1) Coat a medium non-stick pan with cooking spray and heat on medium-high. Once pan is warm, place English muffins facedown on pan. Squish lightly with a spatula, so they get evenly browned.

2) While muffins are toasting, break one egg into a cup. Break its yolk with a fork, but DON’T beat the egg.

3) When muffins have been lightly toasted (about 3 minutes), place them on a plate and IMMEDIATELY sprinkle grated cheese on one side. This will get the melting process started.

4) Re-coat the pan with cooking spray. (Note: if you have a gas oven, do this away from the stovetop to avoid a fire.) Place the Canadian bacon in the pan. Place an egg ring OR thoroughly washed tuna can (with both lids removed) on the pan. Pour the egg into the ring. If some should leak out the bottom, no worries. You can flip it later.

5) After 2 or 3 minutes, the egg should be pretty set, so cut it out of the ring and flip it over. Then, add egg #2 to the ring. Flip the bacon while you're at it, too.

6) After another minute or so, egg #1 should be finished. Place it on top of one of the cheese-covered muffin halves, and add salt and pepper to taste. Then, add a slice of Canadian bacon and top with the other muffin half. Press down lightly with a spatula so the egg will finish melting the cheese.

7) Repeat steps 5 and 6 with the remaining ingredients.

8) Take a blog picture in front of a sufficient light source.

9) Serve and eat with glee.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price Per Serving
283 calories, 12.4 g fat, $0.93

Calculations
Cooking spray: 0 calories, 0 g fat, $0.04
2 English muffins, split in half: 240 calories, 2 g fat, $0.38
2 slices Canadian bacon: 89 calories, 4 g fat, $0.79
2 large eggs: 147 calories, 9.9 g fat, $0.38
1 ounce reduced-fat sharp cheddar cheese, grated: 90 calories, 9 g fat, $0.25
Salt and pepper to taste: 0 calories, 0 g fat, $0.02
TOTAL: 566 calories, 24.9 g fat, $1.86
PER SERVING (TOTAL/2): 283 calories, 12.4 g fat, $0.93

English Muffin Strata with Ham and Cheese: Breakfast for Dinner

When spaghetti isn’t cutting it and pork chops have been done to death, hungry citizens all across our fine nation turn to a beloved American tradition: breakfast for dinner (or BFD for short). Truly, there are few treats more glorious than eating bacon at 7pm, eggs after work, and hash browns during reruns of “Murphy Brown.” And if you can sneak in a cup of coffee without giving yourself a raging case of insomnia, bonus.

At its core, the most fabulous aspect of BFD isn’t the infinite possibility or the low expense. It’s not even the potential for a much healthier meal than you would have eaten otherwise. Nope – it’s the ability to feel like you’re nine-years-old again. Because BFD makes you feel a little naughty - like you’re doing something you’re not supposed to. Like you’re going against the natural progression of your day. Like you’re flipping time, space, and convention the bird. That may sound like a lot of responsibility to assign a piece of toast, but I assure you, it’s all true.

Which brings me to English Muffin Strata with Ham and Cheese from Cooking Light. It’s a breakfast casserole no doubt, but it’s hearty enough to make your whole evening, especially with a nice salad on the side. Personally, I loved the bits and pieces of Canadian bacon, along with the general eggy, custardy goodness. The Boyfriend loved that there were five more pieces when I was finished taking my share.

If you decide to go forth, there are a few things to know:

1) This is an egg strata subtly flavored with ham and Swiss, not a ham and Swiss strata subtly flavored with egg. Don’t go in expecting a Philly cheesesteak.

2) It's very good, but it's not going to smack you across the face with outrageous flavor. Sprinkle it with kosher salt and freshly grounded pepper before you eat it.

3) Don’t fret about serving size. While an 8x8 pan makes six portions, each is almost three inches high. It’s a decent amount of food.

4) Canadian bacon is a pricey ingredient ($3.99 for ten pieces at my local supermarket). BUT the leftovers can be used to make wonderful things like EGG MCMUFFINS, which will be Monday’s featured recipe. Don’t forget to check back.

5) Nutritional information was provided by Cooking Light, so only the price calculations are posted below.

So, go forth, lovelies. Have a sweet weekend, and if you get the chance, try a BFD. You’ll stick it to The Man, and it might just be the best part of your day.

English Muffin Strata with Ham and Cheese
Makes 6 nice-sized servings
Adapted from Cooking Light.

6 English muffins, split
Cooking spray
3/4 cup chopped Canadian bacon (about 3 ounces)
1/2 cup (2 ounces) shredded Swiss cheese
2 1/2 cups unsweetened soy milk
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
Dash of ground red pepper
2 large eggs
2 large egg whites

1) Coat an 8x8 baking dish with cooking spray.

2) Slice each English muffin half into 6 equal pieces, like a pie. Place half of them in the baking dish. Layer as follows: all the bacon, half the cheese, remaining muffin pieces, remaining cheese.

3) In a small bowl or large Pyrex measuring cup, combine milk, mustard, salt, pepper, red pepper, eggs, and egg whites. Whisk together until smooth. Pour egg mixture over baking dish contents. Cover and stick in the fridge overnight (or at least 8 hours) to let everything soak in.

4) Preheat oven to 325°F.

5) Remove dish from fridge and uncover it. Bake for 60 minutes, or until "a knife inserted in center comes out clean." Remove from oven. Cool 15 minutes. Serve.

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber, and Price Per Serving
253 calories, 8.3 g fat, 3.4 g fiber, $1.01

Calculations
6 English muffins: $1.13
Cooking spray: $0.03
3/4 cup chopped Canadian bacon (about 3 ounces): $1.99
1/2 cup (2 ounces) shredded Swiss cheese: $0.62
2 1/2 cups unsweetened soy milk: $1.25
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard: $0.27
1/4 teaspoon salt: $0.01
1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper: $0.01
Dash of ground red pepper: $0.01
2 large eggs: $0.38
2 large egg whites: $0.38
TOTAL: $6.08
PER SERVING (TOTAL/6): $1.01

Autumn Apple Salad, My Middle Eastern Grocer, and Me

Beyond decent coffee and lots of easily obtainable heroin, the nicest things about my area of Brooklyn are the Middle Eastern grocery stores around the corner. There’s a small row of them, two of which have bulk grains, nuts, and dried fruits stretching from here to eternity. Their foods are about a billion times cheaper than my supermarket, and one of the places is even pretty clean, which is an unexpected bonus.

I bring this up is because this past weekend, I found the brain-meltingly tasty Autumn Apple Salad II on AllRecipes. It’s a simple, easy-to-make, totally delicious Waldorf-esque concoction flavored by yogurt, tart apples, toasted almonds, cranberries, and cherries instead of heavy cream and/or mayonnaise (my most hated food-like item). And since most of that stuff costs a bundle around here, the whole scrumptious shebang would have gone unmade had it not been for my aforementioned Middle Eastern grocer.

(And that, my friends, would have been tragedy. Because this salad, if I haven’t mentioned, is good.)

I popped in on Saturday, and among the trays of baklava and tins of Turkish Delight were jars and jars of every wrinkled delicacy in existence: figs, raisins, pineapples, ginger, prunes, apricots, and of course, cranberries and cherries. The almonds were located just a few urns down, hidden in a menagerie of pistachios, walnuts, pecans, and every other nut you could imagine. I could have stayed for hours, just browsing (and occasionally picking), but instead, paid my $1.77 and left.

Fortunately, within ten minutes of arriving home, I had Autumn Apple Salad II to comfort me. (Not to belabor the point, but: good.) The Boyfriend loved it, too, and I’ll be making it muchly next Fall, when Granny Smiths are actually in season.

Anyway, enjoy. And get grocer-in’.

Autumn Apple Salad
Makes about 4.5 cups of salad, or 6 servings of ¾ cups each
Adapted from All Recipes.

4 tart green apples
1/4 cup toasted blanched slivered almonds
1/4 cup dried cranberries
1/4 cup chopped dried cherries
1 (8 ounce) container light vanilla yogurt

1) In a medium bowl, combine all ingredients. Stir until thoroughly mixed and apples are coated.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price Per Serving
150 calories, 3.3 g fat, 4.5 g fiber, $0.89

Calculations
4 tart green apples: 320 calories, 0 g fat, 20 g fiber, $2.97
1/4 cup blanched slivered almonds: 167 calories, 15.9 g fat, 3.3 g fiber, $0.73
1/4 cup dried cranberries: 103 calories, 0.4 g fat, 2.2 g fiber, $0.48
1/4 cup chopped dried cherries: 100 calories, 1 g fat, 2 g fiber, $0.56
1 (8 ounce) container vanilla yogurt: 210 calories, 2.5 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.57
TOTAL: 900 calories, 19.8 g fat, 27.2 g fiber, $5.31
PER SERVING (TOTAL/6): 150 calories, 3.3 g fat, 4.5 g fiber, $0.89

Light Buttermilk Pancakes: The CHG Endgame

That’s it, folks. It's over. We found it. We’ve discovered the cheapest, leanest, most easily-prepared meal in the history of this blog – even moreso than Popovers, Light Banana Bread, and Leigh’s Chai Masala from yesterday. Seriously. It’s official. We can pack it in.

Oh, but I jest. We’re not really leaving (because I’d have no excuse to post random George Clooney pictures anymore), but I’m not sure where to go after Cooking Light’s Buttermilk Pancakes. In order, they are:

• the fluffiest pancakes I’ve ever had. If society allowed, I would make a mattress out of them, and munch quietly on layer after delicious layer while The Boyfriend slept.
• at 10 cents per pancake, I believe the cheapest food on CHG to date.
• simple enough for even my sister to make. (Note: I realize I make L sound like a drooling, witless loony from time to time, but she’s really a very competent 8th grade teacher with a Masters in math. AND she has wonderful taste in sweaters. It’s a one-two geometry-cable-knit punch.)

Honestly, I was worried about these pancakes at first, because the batter seemed awfully thick, failing to spread in the pan like most other flapjacks. But eight minutes after pouring, there they were: 4” golden discs of spongy goodness, practically begging for maple syrup to soak up. Though the recipe could definitely feed three people, The Boyfriend and I polished off every last bite, and there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth when we realized there wouldn’t be anymore.

Incidentally, since my Pa is a great lover of pancakes the world over, I plan to make these for Thanksgiving breakfast. Hopefully, they’ll help me reclaim the coveted Favorite Child mantle, a designation bestowed to whichever spawn most endears him/herself to my parents. I haven’t had it since the summer, when L mowed their lawn without being asked. If you’re looking to assume Favorite Child status within your own family, these will definitely do the trick.

P.S. Calculations are provided by Cooking Light, so only the cash math is written out below.

Buttermilk Pancakes
Makes 8 – 10 pancakes
Adapted from Cooking Light.

1 cup all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
½ teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup low-fat buttermilk
1 teaspoon vegetable oil
1 large egg, lightly beaten
Cooking spray

1) To a large bowl, whisk together flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. When finished, make an indentation/well in the middle.

2) In a small bowl or large Pyrex glass measuring cup, whisk together buttermilk, oil, and egg.  Pour buttermilk mixture into the flour indentation, and stir until batter is smooth.

3) Now, make those pancakes: pour 1/4 cup batter on a hot griddle or big skillet (nonstick or oiled up). Wait a few minutes. When the side facing up starts bubbling and the sides look set, flip the pancake. Cook until the second side is lightly browned. Serve to a standing O.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price Per Serving
99 calories, 2.9 g fat, $0.10

Calculations
1 cup all-purpose flour: $0.09
2 tablespoons sugar: $0.04
1 teaspoon baking powder: $0.03
½ teaspoon baking soda: $0.01
1/4 teaspoon salt: $0.01
1 cup low-fat buttermilk: $0.49
1 teaspoon vegetable oil: $0.03
1 large egg, lightly beaten: $0.19
Cooking spray: $0.04
TOTAL: $0.93
PER SERVING (TOTAL/9): $0.10

The SATs of Cranberry Zinger Muffins

For the following quiz, use a No. 2 pencil and a soft eraser. Do not use a pen or mechanical pencil. An essay written in pen will not scan and receives a score of zero. Cell phone use is prohibited.

SECTION 1
Sentence Completion

Boy, I’ve been on a _____ kick lately. They’re ____ to make and the cost is ____.

A) baby … fun … a bottle of wine and a Barry White CD
B) muffin … simple … nominal
C) pants … sew easy (har har) … $19
D) magic mushroom … trippy … I’m not sure because the walls are melting

If you’re looking to serve a ___ of something for ____ breakfast, you could do worse than ____.

A) billion … your mom’s … many bowls of rice
B) gram … Boxing Day … hard drugs
C) butt … Butt Day … butts
D) basket … Thanksgiving … Cranberry Zinger Muffins from Cooking With Amy

In this recipe, _______ are largely replaced by ______ juice, making the ____ very light.

A) puppy hearts … cat knees … evil
B) oil and eggs … lemon and orange … muffins
C) Maxwell House coffees … another brand … beatings
D) Tom Cruise’s armpits … Hugh Jackman eyeball … Zac Efron gaze


SECTION 2
Passage-based Reading

In her description of Cranberry Zinger Muffins, Amy writes, “It's Spring and I am craving mouth-watering tangy flavors. I find most muffins are too sweet for breakfast. This muffin recipe combines lots of tangy flavors that I love, especially lemon but also orange, cranberries and ginger. You can leave out the ginger if it's too zingy for you or your family.”

The “flavors” Amy refers to are:

A) sweet
B) tangy
C) the embodiment of all that is wrong with the world
D) What flavors? Where the hell am I?

What is the difference between Cranberry Zinger Muffins and most other muffins?

A) They are rainbow-colored and filled with bison meat.
B) They aren’t too sweet.
C) They won’t make you pregnant.
D) They won’t try to hit on your dad.

In this context, Amy’s use of “zingy” means:

A) punchliney
B) tart
C) pseudoantidisestablishmentarianism
D) the adorable hilarity of Paul Rudd mixed with the testosterone-fueled machismo of Vin Diesel, with a little smattering of Phyllis Diller on the side


SECTION 3
Math

If one muffin costs $0.34, how much will it take to ultimately bail out insurance giant AIG?

A) $0.34
B) A trillion dollars.
C) More money than I can possibly conceive of, paid off exclusively by future generations.
D) No money, but a lot of crystal meth.

If each muffin has 177 calories and less than five grams of fat, what is the probability George Clooney will show up at my house tomorrow and make me breakfast?

A) 1/2
B) 3/4000000000000
C) Π
D) Trick question. This is obviously an imaginary number.

If the recipe makes 12 muffins, and you eat nine of them in two days, what should you never, ever do again?

A) Weigh yourself.
B) Pretend to write a blog about healthy eating.
C) Try to brush your teeth with mint toothpaste the morning after drinking eight shots of Rumpleminze on your roommate’s 19th birthday. (Um … this was possibly a leftover answer from another SAT question.)
D) Eat the remaining three muffins.

Thank you for completing this test. The answer to every question was B.


Cranberry Zinger Muffins
12 muffins
Adapted from Cooking With Amy.

2 cups flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 large egg
3/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup unsalted butter, softened but not melted
1/2 teaspoon grated fresh ginger
Rind of one lemon grated
Rind of one orange, grated
3/4 cup citrus juice (combined juice of 2 lemons and 2 oranges)
1 1/4 cup fresh or frozen cranberries
2 tablespoon sugar

1) Preheat oven to 400°F. Spray a muffin tin with cooking spray.

2) In a medium bowl, combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Whisk it all together. Set aside.

3) In a large bowl or stand mixer bowl, cream the sugar and butter together. (You can use the stand mixer paddle, a hand mixer, a pastry cutter, or if you're a little masochistic, two forks.) Add egg. Stir in. Add ginger, lemon zest, orange zest, and citrus juice. Stir. Slowly add the flour mixture, mixing until the batter is just moist. Gently stir in cranberries.

4) Split batter among the muffin tins. Top every one with a little sugar. Bake 15 to 20 minutes. Muffins should be golden brown and pass the toothpick test when finished. (Stick toothpick in center. If it comes out clean, you're good to go.) Remove pans from oven and let muffins cool in tin for a few minutes. Then, pry the muffins out and eat immediately, or let them come all the way down to room temperature.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price Per Serving
177 calories, 4.5 g fat, $0.34

Calculations
2 c flour: 910 calories, 2.5 g fat, $0.18
1 T baking powder: 7 calories, 0 g fat, $0.10
1/2 t baking soda: negligible calories and fat, $0.01
1/4 t salt: negligible calories and fat, $0.01
1 large egg: 74 calories, 5 g fat, $0.17
3/4 c sugar: 581 calories, 0 g fat, $0.24
1/4 c unsalted butter, softened but not melted: 407 calories, 46.1 g fat, $0.25
1/2 t grated fresh ginger: 1 calorie, 0 g fat, $0.07
Rind of one lemon grated: 1 calorie, 0 g fat, Free
Rind of one orange, grated: 1 calorie, 0 g fat, Free
3/4 c citrus juice (combined juice of 2 lemon and 2 orange): 85 calories, 0 g fat, $2.00
1 1/4 c fresh or frozen cranberries: 55 calories, 0.2 g fat, $1.04
2 T sugar: 93 calories, 0 g fat, $0.04
TOTAL: 2122 calories, 53.8 g fat, $4.11
PER SERVING (TOTAL/12): 177 calories, 4.5 g fat, $0.34